Archive | July, 2018

Just stuff

25 Jul

After another weird night of this sleep plan of trying to just sleep 6 hours, blah blah.  All I wanted from sleep doctor was tips on how to not be a drowsy driver. I think I’ll go to my own plan and chew caffeine gum and just sleep in my crazy way and be done with it.

Just finished my walk around the loop. Was stopped by someone who wanted to visit which is fine but he gave me some gruesome details about what happened to some cattle in the fire and about some horses who were just washed away in a flash flood a day ago. Oh my God. Heartwarming stories, sad stories, gruesome stories. It’s all part of tragedies that are not known unless you live in the area and hear firsthand details. A good thing is that tomorrow I’m going to the office of the Southern Baptist Conference and they can set you somewhere where clean up is needed so finally!!!!!!! I can begin to help.

It was a busy 3 1/2 weeks. We arrived home on July 15. We did have a lovely memorial service for my Mom and buried her ashes. Melvern was here home and the cemetary has really really old stones with dated in the early 1800’s. It’s interesting to see the details on some of them, i.e. “b. July 1 d. 10 mos. 3 days.  My grandparents home is still there and the big bush that lined the front yard and the big garden was still there. Nice memory.

On July 16 I hopped in the car, chewing caffeine gum, and drove to the Springs to pick up my friend Debbie Lancaster from Peoria and we drove to Buena Vista to the Spring Canyon Camp. Wonderful area in the mountains. We met up with the rest of the retreat group of Valiant Women lead by Kristy Taylor. It was a very spiritual and fun week. I sooooooooo needed to reconnect with God and begin to lead a prayerful life again. Much like my Miracle Morning plan. I was able to pray about some of my issues I have been struggling with and not feeling good about my behavior and words regarding those issues. New answers were received and I can already see and feel the results of my prayers. Thank you God.

One thing we did as Fearless Women was do a river raft trip. The last time I did one I said “that’s the last time I have to do that!’. I have done many things that were scary for me but I did anyway: motorcycling, dirtbiking, bicycling cross country, mountain biking, etc…, but I can be a big baby and react with tears. But I still did them. Sooooo..when I went on this raft trip I had my normal trepidations. The miracle was we used Noah’s Ark raft company. They are a Christian Based company so our guide was this wonderful young college student who was female. She had such a safe presence that I told myself I’m doing this trip with no fear. The Arkansas River is very low and there were about 40 other raft companies. (if I were to fall out I probably would have just fallen into another raft!) But there were still 3.5 rapids along the way. There were 5 of us in the raft with Hailey in the middle as the rower. We did have paddles to help at times. Kristy and I were in the back and had to tuck our feet under the hard rubber bolster. It killed our toes but we had to do it. Things were going great til the place where the take the picture. We hit a rock and I fell into the boat and water flooded over me. Kristy helped me get up and off we went. The we hit the side of a bolder and Kristy came flying to me. We became hysterical laughing and continued down the river flying around the back with our painful feet and having so much fun. I can’t tell you the last time I did something like that and wasn’t afraid or nervous. Yay. Deb and I were great roomies and made new friends. Thank you Cristy.

 

 

Now Denny and I feel like we are finally unpacking and settling in. Denny has finished hanging all of our art and wallhangings. We look like a gallery and I love it. He also finished my door from the sewing room to the fabric room. God forbid that I would have to walk around the house to get some fabric!!.

The guest room is ready for Elliott and Kyler who are coming this weekend. Kyler will be getting dirtbiking lessons from Denny. A dream of both of them. Who knows what Elliott and I will be doing. It will be fun.

We picked up our fantastic bicycle yesterday. 1/2 recumbent 1/2 regular bicycle tandem. Denny is going to practice without me a couple of times to get used to the gearing, etc. Then we’ll practice together because basically all I have to do is pedal and look at the scenery.

 

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Today I cried

9 Jul

The fires view from our home.

It’s difficult for us to be away from La Veta. It’s difficult to read about all the destruction and hear about friends whose homes are destroyed. It’s devastating to know that businnesses and homes in Cuchara lost so much not because of flames but because of no electricity. Think of the freezers in everyone’s homes, the restaurants, the smells they will come home to. It is a true miracle that no one was killed in this huge fire. Over 107,000 acres. I have read some negative posts on FB that there was too much time before the big fire equipment was used. I believe that the fire fighters who were there from the very beginning did everything right to get those affected by the flames evacuated. It was a miracle that they saved Cuchara. I don’t know all the right lingo but the firefighters were digging ditches, making fire breaks, huge airplanes dropping chemicals, the Hot Shots going into the dangerous areas. They saved La Veta by building a huge fire break and of course the winds helped. We must have a new respect for wind because this was the power of this fire. One minute one area would be safe and in a matter of an hour people would have to evacuate. I heard that some firefighters had never seen a fire behave like this. As of now the fire is 70% contained. Our friends Kent and Kathy were evacuated last week or 2 weeks ago from Paradise Acres and they still don’t know today if they have a home or not. Not knowing, not knowing. Can you imagine hearing that for days until you knew for sure. When fire or tornadoes or hurricanes destroy a town or and area, the survivors always say “it was just stuff”.
Why can’t we be sad???? So what if it is just stuff. It seems we all have to be brave and stoic and have the “go on with life” and all the other verbage that is said during tragedies. Well I say, LET’S BE SAD FOR A DAY OR TWO. Let us cry and feel like the world has come to an end. Let us feel sorry for ourselves for a few minutes. Let us cry until it hurts our stomachs to cry anymore. Then, we can go on. I hate minimalizing all the time. This fire was HUGE in damage and losses. Animals, grazing land, food, acres, homes, emotions, anxieties, air was compromised. It has made me terribly sad and I’m not even there right now.
But what do we do? We go on. I make a silly rug. I go out and play a round of golf. I paint a room. But the whole time I thinking we should be home. We are not home because we left when the smoke was bad and we are having my Mom’s memorial Saturday. Family is coming in. There is a service, graveside, lunch, dinner. Then, we go home the next day. I think when someone dies, we should have the funeral then. This was a group decision so it’s okay that it is being done this way, but it’s been 3 1/2 months since she died. Now, there is that grieving coming up again. I just want it to be done. That sounds shitty, I know it does and I don’t like that but it’s the truth.
Today I cried. I can write it but I don’t want to say it to anyone. I’m depressed. It takes me hours to go to sleep at night. If I take something to sleep, I get all squirmy and I’m roaming all around trying to get comfortable. I eat something. I drink something. I turn the tv on. I turn the tv off. I put on a fan. I turn off the fan. I cover with blankie, I uncover the blankie. I read, I play candy crush, I snuggle with Bendi. I listen to soft music. Finally I fall asleep. It is usually around 3. I am in a big depression. My home didn’t burn down. But others did. I have people staying my home who are displaced or need a shower and just to watch tv and rest. Some are living there, some are just coming in and out. I am so glad they are using our home. I want to do much more, and there will be the time where we can really help. I know there will be, but right now it feels helpless and I’m not comfortable with that. I have tried upping my antidepressant but that doesn’t help so I’m just going to feel sad for now. No apologies, no guilt about it, no feeling less than about it, no “yes I know that I don’t have a reason to feel sad because look at what all I have”. It’s depression and it sucks and it sucks for my husband who tries to understand it when I’m edgy and short with him and he doesn’t deserve it. Quiet, just stay quiet so you don’t upset anyone.