Archive | March, 2018

Forget Me Not

29 Mar

 

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I love those 3 words. I love them because they remind me to remember our loved ones before they became ill and were different people than what we were used to.

Mom passed away very peacefully last Tuesday night. I knew it was going to happen. I said good bye to her 3 weeks ago when she could still converse. I  cried when I left the room and that evening in the motel room. Then, I haven’t cried since until tonight. My kids, nieces and nephews have been posting many family photos and some of them were from several years ago; before her big fall, before her heart attack, before a cracked pelvis, before she was all hunched over and had to have assistance everytime she had to get out of her chair, before she had to drink thickened water and eat pureed food. She use to enjoy her evening glass of wine and loved to play bridge. She was happy and had a full life. I had forgotten the Mom in the photo and only knew the Mom who was uncomfortable, needy, afraid, in pain, bladder issues, tummy issues, wouldn’t leave her room anymore, didn’t participate in life. I would be irritated with her because I was angry she gave up. She still had a great mind and kept up with the news of the day. She so wanted Hillary for President. But, she gave up. She lived in a facility that was 90 percent dementia/alzheimers patients. She had the staff, my sister and company that she could talk to, but that was about it. I was frustrated with this new Mom. I didn’t feel good about myself being frustrated with her, but we had a nice routine when I would visit and for the most part it would be nice. She was 98, how could I have such negative feelings?? A very difficult time for me personally. Then I saw this photo today. Immediately I thought Mom!!!! There you are!!! I have missed you so much. I remember that family reunion. I’m sorry you had to go through these last few years. I hated how long it took you to transition these last few weeks. I just wanted comfort for you and it was so difficult for that to happen. I felt like you were afraid to die, maybe you weren’t but maybe you were. I hope you are with Dad, and brother John and niece Juli, and Billie’s Justin, and the rest of your family. It’s comforting to think that you are.

s.

Breathing

11 Mar

I have been back in Brownsville since Wednesday night. Wednesday was a full day with a 4:30 am wake up for a 5:30 shuttle in Ventura to LAX airport. Carolyn graciously drove to this early pickup.  It was a fun shuttle because we drove the Pacific coast through Malibu and other ritzy towns. Interesting man sat next to me on shuttle and he was a chef on an oil rig!!. So many careers, so many opportunities in this world. Flights were on time. I haven’t been on Southwest for several years so I like their simplicity and paid extra for A spots. Bumpy flights to Houston and to Brownsville. Was very happy to see Denny and puppies.

Had an early rise for Thursday morning so Deb and I could drive to Mission for golf tourney. I am so happy to have a golf buddy who likes to play tournaments. I have missed that kind of golf for years. We didn’t play our best but we enjoyed the tourney and the visiting during the drive. I’m very enthused about golf right now.

Have spent the weekend getting unpacked, reorganized, cleaning and now ready to begin an embroidery job of shirts. Then it will be time for fun sewing when the weather is crummy.

An update on Mom. She is still alive and staying in the Circle of Life Hospice facility. My sister Jolene is staying with her for the time being. It’s a confusing situation because we don’t know what is going on with Mom since many days are up and down. The doctor assures us that we all die in different ways. The good thing is that once the catheter issue was fixed she is more comfortable and doesn’t need as much medication. You can be in a hospice facility under respit care which she is. So….as of now she is lingering as they say and is getting good care.

My trip to Ojai, California was very rejuvenating. First, Ojai was in the midst of fires and you can see the burns everywhere. I stayed with Carlene whose home faces the mountains. She said it was so scary and she evacuated for 1 week. I spent 2 days with Carlyn Braddock whose book  called “Body Voices” is what I am learning. Many of you know that I have had many strange episodes in my life with my body. Weird allergies, hives, rashes, itchiness, stomach issues, migraines. This list does not include surgeries and injuries. I went to Carolyn’s workshop last November to help me with issues that had flared up the last 2 years. It was very helpful and healing.  As I began reading her book on the cruise, I realized how much deeper I needed to go to truly embrace this 65th year and on. I will be calmer, do more activities for fun, quit putting pressure on myself with deadlines of projects and keep searching for new interests. I will breathe and I will listen to my body. The most empowering statement of those 2 days was “Lack of self-esteem keeps me in the victim position”. I will also change my reactions to situations that in the past could make me depressed, feel less than, overly emotional. Keeping that statement in my head will help me. (Maybe a tattoo??) I enjoyed spending hours on the beach talking, walking, visualizing, writing on the sand and letting the ocean wash it away. One exercise is to pick up items off the beach and throw them in the ocean with your thoughts that you want to let go of. It was so interesting that when I was done throwing my rocks into the ocean this huge wave came rolling toward me, like a new energy was coming my way. It washed over my feet. Loved it. Now it’s time to listen to my body and nurture.

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