Grief Part II

26 Nov

Said good by to my sister Judy this morning. She spent 5 days with us helping with some projects. It was a huge help.
I’m in the basement watching Elliott playing “going to a meeting with my girls”. Her imagination is so fun to watch. She has on a pink tutu and a princess crown and is carrying her tutu purse that someone gave her last night. It is full of lip gloss which she loves.
We are heading into the first holiday of Daddy being gone. It is unbelievable that it will a month this Friday. We still have some good moments but when the bad moments hit, it comes with a vengeance. Last night was really rough. 2 1/2 hours of crying, being scared, wanting daddy, wanting mommy. It is when I am helpless because it’s only mommy they want in the middle of the night. 4 a.m. seems to be the witching hour for some reason. No amount of paint on the walls, new bedspreads, new clothes, or toys can ease those tears at that time. Thank goodness there was no school today. We are all exhausted.
We are going to make the best of the 5 days we will all be here. I bought a card table and chairs today, some family games, and dominoes. Kyler wants to make some paper turkeys for everyone tomorrow so we will get that done too. It’s a really cute pattern he found Pinterest last night.
We are also done fixing up for this time too. We do have Billie in her new bedroom and she has some new bedding and curtains that Gina gave her yesterday. It will be nice to get her settled in there. She is taking one more week off of work which is desperately needed. She has maybe had one full night of sleep this whole time. I hope that she can spend some time in bed during the day and rest and mourn.
I’m actually feeling tired today. I think adrenaline is such an interesting part of our body chemistry. I really have had quite a bit of energy and not very hungry. It certainly is needed at times like this.
Have seen a few friends this last week. Cindy and Gayle came by and helped out with a few projects. Very grateful for that. Had a piece of Bobo’s apple pie with friend Judy yesterday. The pie is my go to comfort food at this time. I know it’s not gluten free but I don’t care. Shelly and I have been trying to get together for days now, hopefully soon. She is a psychiatric physicians assistant and has a lot of information on grieving during the holidays. Bernie also came by. She lost her husband at a young age and she and Billie were able to visit.
Billie’s friends and family continue to be great support. Our friend Judy gave us 2 sets of KU basketball tickets so both the boys were able to go to a game with their grandpa. One of her neighbors came by yesterday and offered to put up all of the outdoor Christmas lights on the house. Her cousin Sara came over and did a super scrub on the kitchen tile. A local band donated all of their tips to her at a benefit for the family. Another group adopted them for Christmas. I think we are still getting a meal delivered every night. That has been really helpful. She is so grateful and doesn’t know how she will ever repay everyone for their kindness and generosity. I told her they are doing it all unconditionally because they all loved Justin’s family.
Last night during the night time meltdown Billie said she felt Justin’s presence for the first time. She was consoling Cade and Kyler came into the room and patted her on the side of the head like Justin used to. Then Kyler put his music headphones on her and said “Mommy relax and listen to some music”. It was Justin’s music. I think Justin was trying to help her get through the difficult hours last night.
Sooo…Grief Part II. Maybe the numbness and shock is wearing off and the real grief is just beginning. Elliott is also talking a lot more about Daddy being gone. We will get through this. We read these sad stories about little families whose parent dies young, but to actually be living through it is so hard on the heart.
Counseling has now come into the picture and they all went to a church service last Sunday and we hope to attend this week.
Praying has been difficult for me. I talk to God, but I don’t feel like I am praying. I just ask for strength to help Billie’s family get through each day.

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