Just thinking…..

7 Apr

I’ve been doing a little project for Matt’s mother for his service this coming Sunday. Basically I have been copying, pasting and re-writing Facebook comments regarding Matt. So…it’s been a rather sad afternoon re-reading the comments and the loving thoughts that many had about him. Many touching tributes. He had such a wide variety of friends. Even the Topeka Storm Chasers posted a comment, I thought that was cool. There was You Tube music and homemade music posted where Matt was playing the guitar. Many of the comments were made directly to Matt. I am wondering how many of the friends of Matt had actually seen him lately. Some of them were surprised at his passing. I think of the times I’ve read an obituary of a classmate or someone I’ve worked with and I become flooded at times with memories of that person. I like that we can post a comment on a page to let the family know someone remembers their loved one and possibly a fond memory. I always feel sorry for the obits that no one comments on.
One thing that is hard for our nomadic life is that sometimes we are unable to attend a funeral of someone who we were close to. We’ve lost several friends over the years and were not able to see them before they passed away. One thing I do now when I hear of someone we know who has cancer or is ill, I write a letter to let them know what they have meant to me or us. I don’t want to have someone leave and not be able to tell them I loved them, or thank them for something they did that I still grateful for or just remind them of a good time we had doing something. Many years ago a very close friend was diagnosed with cancer and he was 50 at the time. He had said something very profound to me at the time and somewhat hurtful. He looked at me and said “you look like you’ve been ridden hard and put away wet!”. I couldn’t believe he said that to me and I was embarrassed that someone thought of me like that. That was said to me in my last few months of drinking. It was one of my turning points along with a few other events. I was so glad that I was able to be by his bedside and tell him how much I respected him and how that comment had been one of many turning points for me. I would have regretted not being able to tell him that. As I’ve grown older, I’ve always tried to let friends and family know how I appreciate things they have done for me. As one who used to be EXTREMELY afraid of death, actually a phobia for a few years, I am glad that my life was turned around to not be afraid. My kids know I love them, my Mom knows I love her, Denny and the puppies know I love them, my brother and sisters know I love them because I am still here and have the chance to say it to them.
Some of you have been around me when I talk about death and what kind of comments will be made and how the obituary might read and how Denny better not play golf the next day after I pass. I even talked to Billie about how weird it feels when I read an obit and they talk about how their family and children and grandchildren come first in their life. I asked her what she would say??? I think she said something like she would say “she tried to be a good mom and grandma” or something to that effect. Am I selfish? Am I too nomadic and anxious to be out and about the country? Am I a terrible person because it seems I don’t put my family first? Maybe I will be in that position sometime. Anyway, I don’t know, it’s just doing this comment thing got my mind going around.


One Response to “Just thinking…..”

  1. Billie 04/07/2014 at 8:10 pm #

    What I would say about you is that you worked very hard for the things we had and the things we wanted. I didn’t want for anything. I think that although you are nomadic you will “drop” everything for your mother, daughter, grand babies, daughter and son in law crisis.. Do I dare say more šŸ™‚ You should never feel like you aren’t a great grandma or mother. So I don’t have a sitter as often as I would like. It is mostly because I am to cheap to pay for one. We love you dearly and I would say some FANTASTIC things at your funeral and the have a maniac laugh afterwards! LOVE YOU Love you.

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