I’ve been played 5:30 am

13 Nov

I just want to say that this blog is about 8 years old now. I’ve blogged many personal things since it is an open journal of my life happenings. So..what I am about to write may sound too personal, but…it also something many of us have gone through with our parents as they have aged. This has been a long year and a 1/2 for Mom. Our once dynamic, funny, smart, go getting Mom that lived at Peachtree after Dad passed away is gone. Her fall last summer in 2012 changed her game. She went through a grueling rehab for a broken arm and hip replacement. She had Jolene or I there for several weeks helping and encouraging. After she returned home, she was much needier. Judy was in Florida staying with Juli, so Jolene and I would come and hang out for a few days to get be with her. She became more depressed, obsessed over a corn on her for 6 weeks. Jolene stayed with her for 2 weeks during that and I came in for a few days. Birthday celebration of her 90 year old sister and she wouldn’t go. That made me mad, so I began to have anger issues. Actually took her to the doctor last May to increase her anti depressant and Xanax because she was soo anxious and depressed and a lot of family issues regarding Juli going on. In July, she fell and cracked the bone under her left knee. She was also having problems with her another knee and became fairly helpless. 6 weeks of rehab center for knee and she made the monumental decision that she was going to have her knee replaced because she didn’t want to be in a wheelchair. We were fine with that. She cancelled it a couple of weeks later. Juli passed away on Sept. 25. Many of us are in Florida. Judy comes home the next week and Juli’s memorial in Arkansas was on October 12. My mom wouldn’t go. It was just an hour away. I was soooooo mad. How could she be so selfish and self centered!!!!! I hated the anger I was having with her. What is wrong, what is wrong, what is wrong!!!!!! She would just say “I’m tired and I don’t feel well”. October 27, I start calling her at 9:30 in the morning, no answer. I call every half hour. No answer. Finally I get hold of people and at 2:30 pm they find her laying on the floor in her apartment. She had been there, we think, since about 8 pm the night before. I find out a few hours later that she has had a massive heart attack. Get here, she may not make it through the night. Now, you have already read about the 2 weeks of that.
Tonight, I decide to stay the night because she looked sad this afternoon and we knew she was nervous about her move to rehab in Eureka Springs today.
I get here about 9 pm. Mom looks frail and small and sweet and sad and my heart breaks talking to her. She asks me to rub her back. She says she has had her meds, including Xanax and will try to sleep. 10 pm. Can’t sleep. She says ” I really need a Xanax but know I can’t have one yet. Fluff pillows, blankets etc. several times. 11 pm “I can’t believe it’s only 11. I must have a Xanax because my legs are cramping and ache.” I said “Well buzz them and see if you can have one” (I know she can’t) She says “I would have to haggle with them to get one”. I’m like, WHOAAAAAAA!!! Haggle for Xanax. Who am I in the room with???? 11:45. She says, “I really need a Xanax or I’ll never sleep”. Hello….you haven’t slept since you had your last Xanax. Once again I say, “Buzz them and see if you can have one.” She says “I have to wait until 12:08” WHOAAAAAAAAAA. She buzzes them at 12:09. “My legs are cramping so bad and they hurt, the only thing that works is Xanax.” They tell her no, not until 2 am. “The doctor said if I was really in pain that I could have one sooner.” No, not until 2. 2:00 am comes. She gets Xanax and Tylenol. Is all right with the world now?? NO.. Have to get up and pee. Oh, I can’t walk. Oh, I can’t get out of bed. Oh, what a horrible night. Oh it’s hard getting back in bed. “Are my heels hanging over the edge of the pillow??? I feel them on the bed.” 3:45. Has to pee. Oh, I can’t get out of bed. Oh, my legs. Oh, I can’t pee. Back into bed. “Are my heels hanging off the end of the pillow??? I can’t have them touching the bed. Fluff the bed, fix the pillows, cover her up. (The nurses and aides are doing this all night) At 4:30 I realized. I’ve been played. I spent an hour on the phone after I got here, sobbing to my sister and to Denny. “She can’t go to the rehab. I hate that place. She’ll be lost. She’s so frail, I don’t feel good about this. I think something bad is going to happen. I’m thinking she’s going to die tonight.” At 4:30, I realize I’m not in the room with my Mom. I’m in the room with my new Mom who is addicted to Xanax. I’m in the room with my new Mom who is probably having some undiagnosed dementia and Sundowners. I’m in the room with my new Mom who is smart enough to know how to get a drug that she craves. Do I blame her?? No. Would I, at the point of life where she is, want to just zone out. You betcha. But…once again I must do tough love with my New Mom. I know all about tough love as many of you know with my son. It is NO FUCKING FUN. Am I going to let my Mom leave this world as a drug addicted elderly person in a nursing home??? NOOOOO Yes I will do tough love over that any damn day. I still love my New MOM, but I’m going to act like a MOM instead of a daughter. Please wish us all luck, send prayers and strength for this next step in my Mom’s life. Also, thank you for listening. I really needed someone at 5:30 this morning.


4 Responses to “I’ve been played 5:30 am”

  1. ruth 11/13/2013 at 6:23 am #

    This is indeed one of the hardest parts of life. We want to make them better and when we can’t do that; we want to make them comfortable. That will be my prayer for your mom and peace for you in any decision making.

  2. Dana 11/13/2013 at 6:34 am #

    Praying for wisdom, strength, and peace in your heart, and healing for your Mom. Remember to take deep breaths and relax your muscles. We are all thinking of you.

  3. Carl & Konnie 11/13/2013 at 7:55 am #

    Konnie is dealing with her mom in the care home and many of the “aging issues”. As caregivers you are both heroes in my book! It is made even more difficult when they manipulate or “play” you! We are definitely thinking about and praying for you and your mom. Looking forward to spending time with you and Denny in the Texas hill country this winter! Hang tough!!

  4. Erin 11/13/2013 at 10:21 pm #

    Thinking of you Jay, and praying for peace, strength, and contentment for you all. Also, I hope that during these times of struggle and role reversal, that you find moments to laugh, smile and reminisce. Love to you my friend. I’m only a text away.

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