Should I share, should I not share

22 Nov

It’s 4 am, I love the sound of the wind, it’s my first night home in a few days. It’s been a horrible few days. I’m tired, I’m sad, I feel hopeless then I feel hopeful, then I cry, then I become paralyzed, then I become tired, then I feel empowered, then I feel like the issues are bigger than me and I can’t handle it, then I don’t know what direction to turn, do I pray, do I accept prayers, who do I talk to, who do I not talk to, are there more lies I don’t know about, can I ever, ever, ever, ever have a relationship with my son, can I even believe what I  heard him say to me tonight because it was so insane and he is screaming at me because I should agree with what he thinks is rational and in reality it is so insane that it scares me, will I be able to stand my ground, will I be able to function on a day to day basis for these next few days, weeks, months, can I not collapse under it all, will I feel joy again, will my heart take it instead of make me feel like at times I’m going to die of a heart attack because my chest hurts so much from the stress, that at times my head hurts so bad that it scares me,  I don’t know. I may not be able to write for awhile.

4 Responses to “Should I share, should I not share”

  1. Kathy 11/22/2012 at 7:49 pm #

    J – I am saddened to hear the stress, worry, and sadness in your message. I’m here to help, if I can in any way. Here to chat if you’d like, shoulder to lean on. Lifting you up and sending you thoughts of better days. This too shall pass, and I’m sorry you are dealing with so much right now. Big Hugs! Deep breaths always help too!!

    • jbirdworldblog 11/22/2012 at 10:25 pm #

      Thank you Kathy. Everything feels so icky. I think there is hope on the horizon but it won’t happen very soon. We’ll be around the next couple of days and then I’ll be in Topeka during the week. Maybe we can touch base. Looked like you had a big house full today. Hope it was a good day. J

      Sent from my iPhone

  2. Mitzi Keairns 11/28/2012 at 10:13 pm #

    So sorry to hear mt buddy in such distress! Remember it is not your fault. KC is a grown man and makes his own choices. Don’t let him bring you down. You are a good person and you have done your best….end of story. I do know that helpless feeling. When Ashley was throwing her life away last year and there was not one thing I could do about it, it felt the same way. So defeated and scared and really at the end of my rope!. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel either, but then a miracle happened and we got our little girl back. I will say some prayers that you get a miracle of your own. Remember if you ever need to talk just give me a call! Love you lots!!!

  3. Erin 12/05/2012 at 10:42 pm #

    So sorry to read about all the pain, sorrow, stress and sadness you have been dealing with. I am sorry I didn ‘t see this sooner. I have been in my own little world , I guess, and for that I apologize. I have been thinking of you a lot the past couple of weeks and just thought tonight that maybe I should look on your blog to see if you had been posting on here since I hadn’t seen you on FB for awhile. You think I would have thought of that a bit sooner wouldn’t you?? Please know that, I too, am here to lend a shoulder and an ear. Even if we truly don’t know each other that well yet. I’m all for becoming better friends. Don’t forget that while you are taking care of others, you need to take care of yourself too.

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